Zapping Zapruder

The next visit from Telecom man proved unfruitful. This time the manhole was not blocked by a parked vehicle, it had disappeared! Unable to find the other end of the wire pulling line left by the previous Telecom man, he had to admit defeat. On being asked whether or not he had access to a plan or an engineer he could call in for assistance he replied :

'I'm private sector mate, I don't 'av any a that stuff'.

Curiously, connecting us to the outside world with this little bit of cable between the house and the manhole (that has taken seven months so far) is one of the last remaining areas where Telecom still have a monopoly. Having subcontracted out every little bit of the task to separate private subcontractors, Telecom have forgotten the essential component - that worked so well in the water company intervention - coordination.

On returning the following day Telecom man managed to find the manhole (probably brought a divining rod with him). Only problem being the distance between the manhole and the house. Unable to accomplish the pull through on his own he enlisted the assistance of the French Neighbour, who, despite his 80 years of age, is a remarkably strong man. Regular exercise tossing boules in the back garden means he can double as a Telecom man apprentice when needed (big thank you needed here for French Neighbour).

So now, roll of drums, we have the telephone. The Client opened a bottle of champagne in celebration and maybe this weekend we'll hang out flags.

On a not unrelated point, according to New Scientist magazine, two Russian mathematicians have suggested that the Large Hadron Collider, or LHC as it's known (actually under construction) will mark a very important turning point in history, so to speak. Apparently the LHC will be sufficiently powerful to send particles back in time. This, say the Russians, will make it the first time machine. If their theory is correct, time travel into the past is not possible beyond the moment of the creation of the first time machine. Implacable logic which implies that from the moment the LHC springs to life we will have the first 'time tourists' visiting us from the future. This will inevitably prove frustrating for the first 'time tourism' companies who will be technically limited to visits from the year 2008 onwards. Which means, more importantly, no special day return trip for The Architect back to the grassy knoll to find out who (or how many) really did it.

Well there's still a ray of hope - judging by my experiences with our national Telecom company they've already invented the time machine and managed to take French telecommunications back to those legendary days of the early sixties.

Where do I book? Anyone got Richard Bransons phone number? I have a phone!

PS: Implacable Russian logic probably involves a lot of vodka.